Summary⌗

In Daring Greatly, Brené Brown writes about how shame and vulnerability, or more importantly how we deal with it, define who we are and how it shapes our future. Although everyone has experience with shame and vulnerability, everyone understands it in a different way. Brené has worked as a researcher on this topic for many years, and in research it is always important to work with definitions. The way she defines shame is as the fear of not belonging. It is the feeling we get when do something wrong, when we forget someone’s birthday or when we are running late. It is written in our DNA that we are social animals, or as Brené writes

We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.

And (un)luckily for us evolution has given us a number of tools to ensure that we build and sustain this connection. Shame is one of those tools, which drives and pushes us towards behavior that we expect to benefit social connections.

But as we all know and experienced, shame is not a nice feeling to have and often it does not work in our best interest. Feelings of shame can prevent us from giving presentations, speaking up during meetings, talking to that cute girl at a party, or trying out new hobbies. This however does not mean that we should seek to become resistant to shame. Brené argues that the goal is to become shame resilient. Despite feeling shameful and vulnerable, and despite all the discomfort, we should all dare greatly.

In the book, Brené starts by discussing how today’s society has caused all of us to be taken hold of shame. We live in a time where nothing is ever enough, we do not have enough time, not enough money, not enough holidays, not enough clothing, not enough movies. It is never enough, but we do feel better than those who have less than us. Those who have money can look down on people who do not have it, those who are smart look down on people who are dumb. Of course, not everyone is like this, but we feel like this is true. Growing up poor will make you feel shameful because of the idea that others will look down on you. And this whole notion of not being good enough stems from what Brené calls the scarcity culture. It is not only about what we have but also what we do. We want to be fun and feel bad if we’re not fun at a party, or if no one laughs at our jokes. In a scarcity culture, Brené says

The greatest casualties […] are our willingness to own our vulnerabilities and our ability to engage with the world from a place of worthiness

However, feeling shameful, being exposed and being vulnerable does not make you weak, Brené says. We let our fear of disconnection become disapproval and critique, but is it not courageous and respectful if we own up to our vulnerability? In relationships, we share our insecurities and fears and we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Does to love and to be loved, make you weak? Of course not, Brené says. As the book title says, it is all about daring greatly.

Many of us have over time developed strategies and behaviors to prevent us from feeling shameful. This ranges from wearing imaginary masks, setting up shields and walls, distracting ourselves or even using anger to overrun our feelings of shame. We spend the entire evening binge-watching a series instead of working on a report, we start to excessively help people out with tasks, or we start blaming and shaming others. This however does not offer us true protection. The mask eventually falls off and the shield will break at some point and the shame we were trying to run away from is still there.

In the workforce and relationships, shame also plays an important role. In companies where cultures exist where management shames, blames and criticizes their workers, we see disengagement, lack of motivation, stress and general unhappiness. Not only that, it also negatively impacts productivity and creativity. Fear leads to risk aversion and that leads to lower innovation. Or in Brené’s words:

…that deep fear we all have of being wrong, of being belittled and of feeling less than, is what stops us taking the very risks required to move our companies forward.

A good company culture, in Brene’s view, is one where both work and workers are “humanized”, where shame is both recognized and fought, and the dignity and vulnerability of each individual are held high.

Thoughts⌗

The topic is interesting and relevant and Brené managed to catch my attention very fast at the start of the book with relevant examples and lot’s of moments where I recognized myself in what she was describing. The feelings, the fears, the emotions that we all experience when we feel shameful is all written in a clear manner. However, the remainder of the book seemed a bit unclear and less relevant. The last chapter for example is about parenting and about how Brené and her husband raise their kids. The story is often unstructured and full of personal anecdotes that do not seem entirely relevant, making you often feel lost. One topic I was hoping Brené would discuss more is how shame is perceived and used in different cultures. The personal anecdotes that she shares for example sometimes feel too American to be relevant to me.

The book also focuses too much on the negative aspects of shame, with little room for the positive aspects: too much shames leads to various coping mechanisms, while in other cases we have to practice mindfulness and accept the feeling for what it is, just a feeling. The goal, Brené says, is not shame-resistance but shame-resilience. In that sense, the advice given in this book is the same as in most other self-help books, to practice compassion and mindfulness.

Content-wise, I quite enjoyed the book although my enthusiasm went down as I went through the book. The pacing and structuring of the book made it a bit difficult to finish, but I got enough out of it to make me think and recognize shame in my daily life. The short discussion on work cultures was very recognizable as doing a PhD is typically driven by fear, shame and guilt. While at my other jobs there is a more healthy relationship with your coworkers and superiors. The fear of making mistakes, losing face and reputation, and appearing weak is very relevant on the work floor (at least to me) and recognizing it early on helps us deal with it.

Highlights⌗

quotes from the book⌗

when we were children we used to think that when we were grown up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable.

leadership is scarce because few people are willing to go through the discomfort required to lead.

yes, we are totally exposed when we are vulnerable. Yes, we are in the torture chamber that we call uncertainty. And, yes, we’re taking a huge emotional risk when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. But there’s no equation where taking risks, braving uncertainty, and opening ourselves up to emotional exposure equals weakness.

in an organized culture where respect and the dignity of the individuals are held as the highest values, shame and blame don’t work as management styles. there is no leading by fear. empathy is a values asset, accountability is an expectation rather than an exception and the primal human need for belonging is not used as leverage and social control. we can’t control the behavior of individuals; however we can cultivate organizational cultures where behaviors are not tolerated and people are held accountable for practicing what matters most: human beings.

this notion that the leader needs to be “in charge” and to “know al the answers” is both dated and destructive. Its impact on others is the sense that hey know less and that they are less than. A recipe for risk aversion if ever i have heard it. Shame becomes fear. Fear leads to risk aversion. Risk aversion kills innovation.

shame resilience is the ability to say “this hurts. this is disappointing, maybe even devastating. but success and recognition and approval are not the values that drive me my value is courage and i was just courageous. you can move on, shame.